In the midst of the darkness I can hear the end approaching. It sounds like a rushing wind is about to overtake me. But I am not afraid. I have no fear. I am completely surrendered. Just as I begin to succumb to the inevitable, a violent force strikes my body and presses me hard against the tree. I can barely breathe. But there is no struggle. The force holds me there for a moment and then releases me. I can feel myself being carried away. As I go deeper and deeper into the darkness, everything begins to change. I realize that I am now separated from my body. My consciousness has risen above the chasm and I can see what is happening below. The force that has control of my body is like a raging river making its way through the darkness. I am reminded of the torrential rains that have just fallen. The seasonal downpour must have spawned the river that now rushes through this place. But what did it have planned for me? Is it part the darkness or is it something else? I am totally at the mercy of this massive flow. I watch as my body becomes lost in the current. Where is it taking me?
As the scene unfolds before me, I can see myself surface occasionally only to be immediately pulled back under. From my vantage point, I realize that the chasm is becoming more and more narrow. My body is being tossed relentlessly against the steep rock walls that surround me. As the current continues to move me forward, I slowly begin to realize that this river is on a mission to take me far away from the darkness to which I have surrendered. But I want to remain in the darkness. Why can’t the river just leave me alone? The darkness has promised me that if I stay I’ll feel no more pain. If I leave the darkness, I am certain that the unbearable pain will return. I become confused and then angry. I begin to feel strongly that the river wants to reunite me with my body. Suddenly, as if in a final effort to control my destiny, the force of the massive flow once again slams my body hard against the chasm wall. The river then slowly lifts my body to the level of my consciousness and in an instant I open my eyes and find myself floating face up in the current. The river is calmer now, but I am still at its mercy. It continues to carry me thru the chasm for what seems like an eternity. I am vaguely aware of my surroundings, but I have no idea where I’m going.
Finally, the river carries me into a opening in the chasm wall. It gently lays me down on a rock ledge inside what appears to be a small cave. The river recedes slightly, but still fills the entrance. I feel trapped, but I am too weak and tired to try to escape. My body is so battered from the effects of both the darkness and the river that I find it almost impossible to move. I have been completely exposed to the elements and they have left me desperate for warmth and comfort. As I look around the cave, I realize that I will find none of that here. This place is very cold and unwelcoming. In an attempt to warm myself, I curl up into a fetal position. Why did the river bring me here? I don’t understand all that has happened. I find myself longing for the darkness. I can feel it returning. I listen carefully, hoping that it will once again call my name. But it doesn’t. This is not the same darkness to which I had surrendered earlier. I welcome it just the same. It is familiar and in it there is a type of comfort. I feel that I can rest now. I need to rest. I close my eyes. I breathe in and as I exhale, I fall asleep.
~ D ~
Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©