You are currently browsing the archives for October 2009

In The Arms of My Father

  • Posted on October 26, 2009 at 2:52 pm

These are the lyrics to a song that I wrote in 2005.  It is a tribute to my father, his beliefs and the unconditional love that he had for me.  In 2007, after learning a little bit about the guitar, I was able to put music to the lyrics.  Whenever I play and sing this song, I can almost feel my father’s arms around me again.  It brings me peace.   

 

In The Arms of My Father

Verse 1

When I was a child I always knew there was a place that I could go

When the pain and fear of life would get me down.

I’d climb up in my father’s lap and he’d smile and look at me.

Then he’d wrap his arms around me and the world would go away.

Chorus 1

In the arms of my father, there was always peace and love;

No matter what I’d done or where I’d been.

He was always there reaching out to me with his arms open wide,

Saying – “Come to me, let me show you that you’ll always be my child.”

Verse 2

Now my father’s gone, but before he died he gave this gift to me;

He told me of a place that I could go.

When the world falls in around me and the pain’s too much to bear,

There’s a heavenly Father waiting with his arms open wide.

Chorus 2

In the arms of my Father, there is always peace and love;

No matter what I’ve done or where I’ve been.

He is always there reaching out to me with his arms open wide,

Saying – “Come to me, let me show you that you’ll always be my child.”

Verse 3

So when the cares of life get you down and the tears begin to fall,

Remember there’s a place that you can go.

Just climb up in your Father’s lap and he’ll smile and look at you.

Then he’ll wrap his arms around you and the world will go away.

Chorus 3

In the arms of your Father, there is always peace and love;

No matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been.

He is always there reaching out to you with his arms open wide,

Saying – “Come to me, let me show you that you’ll always be my child.”

Tag

He is always there reaching out to you with his arms open wide,

Saying – “Come to me, let me show you that you’ll always be my child.”

~ D ~

Copyright 2005 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading In The Arms of My Father

1 Comment

Watching Daddy Go Home

  • Posted on at 10:36 am
Daddy's Little Girl

Daddy's Little Girl

 One week after my fifteenth birthday, my father passed away.  Losing a parent at any age is difficult, but it is especially hard as a teenager.  The circumstances around his death made it even more challenging for me.  It has taken many years for me to get to a place of peace about his death.  From my perspective,  healing really is like peeling layers off an onion.  The layers of pain leave you one at time and each one brings many tears.  It is a slow on-going process.  Only within the past few years have I been able to think about or talk about my father without feeling the deep pain.  The tears still fall at times, but the pain is different.  I miss him.  I wish he could have known his grandchildren and his great grandchild.  He would be so proud. 

Writing this blog has caused me to revisit so much of my life and that in itself  has been healing for me.  Recently, while going thru an old memory box of mine, I ran across something that I wrote when I was about sixteen.  After my father’s death I had many dreams, most of them nightmares.  But as I read what I now had in my hand,  I was reminded that one night during that time, I had a different sort of dream.  When I woke up I felt an inner calmness that had not been there before.   As a result of that dream, I wrote “Watching Daddy Go Home”.  Finding it again, has been for me, like peeling another layer off that onion.  I thought I’d share – straight from the heart of a struggling sixteen year old.

~D~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

Watching Daddy Go Home

As I sit here under this apple tree, I can see a man walking in the sandy field toward me.  His skin is tanned dark.  As he approaches, I realize that I know this man.  I call out to him, but he does not answer.  I call again, but he is not even disturbed.  He doesn’t hear me.  He passes by me with no recognition of my presence.  He stops every now and then to check on one of the crops which are growing in the fields.  The apples all seem red enough and the corn is ready to be gathered.  The pecan tree is bearing well, as it always did.  This man knows this land well.  You see, he was born here.  His life began here on this sandy soil and now it is ending here.  He has had many heartaches throughout his time, but they will all be erased when he has returned home.  He shall have his long awaited for peace.

Now the man is approaching his home place.  A welcome light is shinning brightly from the window as the big door swings open.  The man smiles and slowly enters.  The door closes behind him.

Now all that remains is the memory of him which I hold in my heart and shall forever cherish.

~D~

Copyright – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading Watching Daddy Go Home

1 Comment

Thru My Own Eyes

  • Posted on October 19, 2009 at 6:13 pm

In 2006, my life circumstances changed drastically and I found myself on my own for the very first time.  On New Year’s Day 2007, I picked up an acoustic guitar and decided to learn how to play it.  For six months I couldn’t put it down. The lyrics and music just seemed to pour out of me at times.   The song ”Thru My Own Eyes” was born out of that experience and has become the inspiration for this website.  These are the lyrics.

 

Thru My Own Eyes

I’m gonna live, I’m gonna breathe, I’m gonna fly.

I’m gonna see the world for the first time…

 

I’ve lived my life for you, gave you all I had to give

What you wanted, what you needed, I disappeared.

But lately I’ve been changin’, I’m breakin’ free

Movin’ on, it’s my time…I’ve just got to be me!

 

I’m gonna live, I’m gonna breathe, I’m gonna fly.

I’m gonna see the world for the first time,

Thru my own eyes!

 

For far too long I’ve seen the world thru your eyes

Heard your stories, saw your pictures and wished it was me.

But now the time has come to see it all for myself

Every new day is my day…it’s all about me!

 

I’m gonna live, I’m gonna breathe, I’m gonna fly.

I’m gonna see the world for the first time,

Thru my own eyes!

Thru my own eyes!

Thru my own eyes!

~ D ~

Copyright 2007 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading Thru My Own Eyes

8 Comments on Thru My Own Eyes

Friend or Foe

  • Posted on October 18, 2009 at 4:16 pm

In the midst of the darkness I can hear the end approaching.  It sounds like a rushing wind is about to overtake me.  But I am not afraid.  I have no fear.  I am completely surrendered.  Just as I begin to succumb to the inevitable, a violent force strikes my body and presses me hard against the tree.  I can barely breathe.  But there is no struggle.  The force holds me there for a moment and then releases me.  I can feel myself being carried away. As I go deeper and deeper into the darkness, everything begins to change.  I realize that I am now separated from my body.  My consciousness has risen above the chasm and I can see what is happening below.  The force that  has control of my body is like a raging river making its way through the darkness.  I am reminded of the torrential rains that have just fallen.  The seasonal downpour must have spawned the river that now rushes through this place.  But what did it have planned for me?  Is it part the darkness or is it something else?  I am totally at the mercy of this massive flow.  I watch as my body becomes lost in the current.  Where is it taking me? 

As the scene unfolds before me, I can see myself  surface occasionally only to be immediately pulled back under.  From my vantage point, I realize that the chasm is becoming more and more narrow.  My body is being tossed relentlessly against the steep rock walls that surround me.  As the current continues to move me forward, I slowly begin to realize that this river is on a mission to take me far  away from the darkness to which I have surrendered.  But I want to remain in the darkness.  Why can’t the river just leave me alone?  The darkness has promised me that if I stay I’ll feel no more pain.  If I leave the darkness, I am certain that the unbearable pain will return.  I become confused and then angry.  I begin to feel strongly that the river wants to reunite me with my body.  Suddenly, as if in a final effort to control my destiny, the force of the massive flow once again slams my body hard against the chasm wall.  The river then slowly lifts my body to the level of my consciousness and in an instant I open my eyes and find myself floating face up in the current.  The river is calmer now, but I am still at its mercy.  It continues to carry me thru the chasm for what seems like an eternity.  I am vaguely aware of my surroundings, but I have no idea where I’m going. 

Finally, the river carries me into a opening in the chasm wall.  It gently lays me down on a  rock ledge inside what appears to be a small cave.  The river recedes slightly, but still fills the entrance.  I feel trapped, but I am too weak and tired to try to escape.   My body is so battered from the effects of both the darkness and the river that I find it almost impossible to move.   I have been completely exposed to the elements and they have left me desperate for warmth and comfort.  As I look around the cave, I realize that I will find none of that here.  This place is very cold and unwelcoming.   In an attempt to warm myself, I curl up into a fetal position.  Why did the river bring me here?  I don’t understand all that has happened.  I find myself longing for the darkness.  I can feel it returning.  I listen carefully, hoping that it will once again call my name.  But it doesn’t.  This is not the same darkness to which I had surrendered earlier.  I welcome it just the same.  It is familiar and in it there is a type of comfort.  I feel that I can rest now.  I need to rest.  I close my eyes. I breathe in and as I exhale, I fall asleep.

~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading Friend or Foe

5 Comments on Friend or Foe

The Chasm

  • Posted on October 17, 2009 at 11:09 am

It is not a deep sleep that I have found here in this place.  I am in a semi-conscious state much of the time;  aware of my surroundings but not able to move.  When I do wake up,  I remain very still.  I fear that if I move, my pain will return.  The strange comfort of this chasm into which I  have fallen has somehow managed to envelope me.  Is it peace that it offers or is it numbness?  At this point I don’t think I can tell the difference.  I only know that at the moment I do not feel the pain that I felt earlier.  I decide that remaining  motionless will keep me safe;  at least for now.  Lying  in my stillness, thoughts of the past few days begin to flood my mind.  As I attempt to defend myself from these invading memories, I feel something on my face.  I slowly reach up and touch the water on my cheek.  I open my eyes and immediately see the dark clouds above me.  The rain is very light at the moment, but I can tell a storm is on the way.  I consider looking for shelter, but I decide to stay where I am.  Surely, this storm can not compare to the pain that I know I will feel if I leave my safe place. 

The rain is getting heavier now.  I can feel myself sinking into the mud that is forming around me.  Thunder begins to echo throughout the chasm, robbing it of its silence.  Suddenly, lightning strikes the ground not far away.  The earth vibrates beneath me.  I instinctively try to move and realize that the mud is getting much deeper.  Small rivers of rain water are forming in the dirt all around me.  I know that I must seek shelter.  It is no longer safe here.  I attempt to stand for the first time since falling.  The pain is excruciating.  I knew this would happen.  I find myself back on the ground.  My next attempt meets the same end.  I am now covered with mud from head to toe and I am making no progress.  As I continue to wallow,  the pain that I feel increases.  Once again, lightning strikes and this time it’s much closer.  My heart races with fear and somehow I manage to get to my feet.  I feel dizzy.  I stand there trying to steady myself.  I look around for any hint as to the direction I should go.   I can see no promise of safety.  I am surrounded by steep rock walls.  There is no way out of this place.  Then my eyes are drawn to the tree that I had seen earlier.  Could it provide the protection that I need?  I decide to move in that direction.  As the rain continues to fall, I take my first painful step.  

I slowly begin to make my way across the chasm floor.  The ground is littered with small stones for as far as I can see.  There are a few larger ones scattered here and there.  I stumble and fall several times.   The mud is getting very deep now. I am so weak from my ordeal that I can hardly lift my feet out of the mire.  From somewhere deep within I manage to summon the strength to move on.  Finally, I reach the tree.  It is much larger than I had thought.   There are several exposed roots surrounding its base.   I look up and see a network of large limbs above me.  I wonder how long this tree has been here.  I realize that the limbs have given me a reprieve from the falling rain.   I turn around and stand with my back to the massive trunk and slowly slide down until I find myself in a squatting position.  I wrap my arms around my knees and pull them close.  I hear the rolling thunder.  I see the lightning flashing all around me.  A  strange wind begins to blow.  The limbs above can no longer protect me from the torrential downpour.  I am so wet and so cold.  The pain has worsened.  I feel emotion begin to creep back up from its hiding place.  I can’t do this anymore.  I just can’t.  The emotion continues to rise until it make its way out of my body in the form of a moan;  a horrible, deep, deafening moan.  What is happening to me?  I have never heard that sound before.  As the unfamiliar moans continue to come forth, they blend with the sounds of the roaring thunder and the eerie howl of the rising wind to create a dark harmony that  fills the chasm.  I feel as if  the darkness that surrounds me has come to carry me away.  It’s calling me.  I try to fight it but I am tired of fighting.  There is no fight left in me.  It calls again, but this time it calls me by name.  The darkness knows my name.  It has taken hold of me.  It’s pulling me.  I can resist no longer.  I close my eyes, I bow my head and I surrender.  

~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading The Chasm

1 Comment

Her Faith

  • Posted on at 11:01 am

Her Faith

She’s been through so much.

She feels so much pain.

But she hangs on. 

When she hurt, he felt it.

When she cried, he cried, too.

When she laughed, he always smiled.

She remembers what he said.

And she believes.

She felt his touch.

He changed her life.

Where did he go? 

So afraid.

Yet, so certain of who she is.

She hangs on.

~ D ~

Copyright 2008 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading Her Faith

2 Comments on Her Faith

The Fall

  • Posted on at 10:41 am

Crawling is proving to be as difficult as walking. Not only are my feet being entangled, but so are my hands. The weeds are so persistent. Each time I free myself, I immediately become entangled again. Moving forward is such a struggle and my progress is so very slow. Surely, I will be out of this field soon. As I continue to crawl I realize that the tears have stopped. For the first time since coming out of the desert, I feel no emotion. My mind is so drained. My body is so tired. I have crawled for most of the night. I need a place to lay my head. But I do not want to stay in this field. I just know there has to be something better than this ahead of me. So, I force myself to go on. I keep going, until suddenly, without warning, I find myself falling. I begin to scream. It is so dark and I have no idea what is happening. My heart is pounding. I can’t breathe. The thought that I could possibly die begins to overtake me. There is nothing I can do to help myself. I just keep falling and falling and falling.

When I wake up, I am disoriented. Where am I? I don’t recognize this place. How did I get here? Memories of the night before slowly begin to creep into my mind. I remember falling but I don’t remember hitting the ground. I must have lost consciousness on the way down. I have no idea how far I fell. The thought of what I had just been through is overwhelming. I decide to distract myself from my thoughts. I try to move, but there is so much pain. I finally manage to sit up. I can’t tell what time of day it is. There are so many clouds that I can’t see where the sun is in the sky. It is very still and very quiet in this place. As I look around I can’t help but notice how cold and dark everything seems. A shiver runs up my spine and resonates throughout my body as I continue to survey my surroundings. There is no grass, just dirt with rocks scattered about. There are no flowers and no butterflies and no songbirds. I see a tree off in the distance, but it has no leaves. It reminds me of autumn. I remember the field that I have just crossed and I am confused. It was like springtime there. How could the seasons change so quickly? What happened to summer?

As I continue to look around, I notice that behind me is a wall of rocks. I look up. I can see the ledge from which I must have fallen. My eyes follow the rock wall downward. I feel another shiver run up my spine as I realize just how far I’ve fallen. I begin to feel light headed. I need to rest. I look at the place where I fell. It looks very welcoming at the moment. I lean back and slowly put my head on the ground. I close my eyes. My mind is bombarded with flashes of scenes from the past few days. I become confused. I just can’t deal with this right now. I open my eyes and look around. After awhile, I begin to sense that there is a strange comfort in this place. I can feel myself being drawn into its stillness. All I want to do now is sleep. Maybe I’ll understand it better when I wake up. I close my eyes, I take a deep breath and I fall sleep.

~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading The Fall

1 Comment

Free to Fly

  • Posted on October 16, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Free to Fly

I’ve been walking down this winding road

of memories that seem to hold

the reasons why I’m where I am today.

The further down this road I go,

the more I feel I need to know

the secrets that I’ve locked away inside.

The hills I climb they seem so hard for me;

each blinding curve brings back a memory

that somehow makes me feel the hurt again

 

Throughout our lives we all have things

that bind us up inside.

The hurt, the pain, the memories;

they’re all the reasons why

we just can’t seem to leave the ground

when we decide to fly.

 .

The tears they fall just like a pouring rain.

They wash away that winding road of pain.

And when the storm is gone, the sun begins to shine.

I’ve made it through and now I’m free to be.

I see a river now and it’s all new to me.

But I know I’ll make it to the other side.

A soft wind blows and it refreshes me.

I feel much lighter now, there’s nothing binding me. 

I spread my wings and I begin to fly!

 

Throughout our lives we all have things

that bind us up inside.

The hurt, the pain, the memories;

they’re all the reasons why

we just can’t seem to leave the ground

when we decide to fly.

 

So leave the past behind and spread your wings

and you’ll be free to fly!!!

~ D ~

Copyright 2008 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading Free to Fly

1 Comment

The Weeds

  • Posted on at 12:37 pm

While making my way back to the field, I can’t help but think about the flower that I have left behind.   A whirlwind of memories floods my mind.  Waves of emotion try their best to overtake me.   I am determined  to hold my ground.  I stop and literally shake my head as if to shake it all away.   Something deep inside of me wants to go back.  But why?  What hold does that flower have on me?  I think of  the fragrant music to which I had danced just the day before.  I can’t hear it now it but I remember how it made me feel.  That music took me to a place that I had never been.  I am so tempted to turn around.  I close my eyes, hoping to gain strength from somewhere within me.  I relive the events of the previous day.  At first, I feel so free and happy as I remember the beauty of  my flower.  I can feel myself  being drawn into the picturesque memory.  Suddenly, my mood changes as memories of yesterday’s storms make their way forward.  I can almost see the lightning and hear the thunder.  I remember the fear. I remember the thorns.  I can feel the pain all over again.  I shudder at the thought of it all.  My resolve to not look back is somewhat strengthened.  I open my eyes and I begin to walk.  I can do this. I can do this.

I look around the field of flowers and notice it seems different.  What could it be?  The flowers are all there. I can even see some butterflies off in the distance.  I breathe in and smell the aroma.  That’s strange. It doesn’t have the same effect on me that it did earlier.  Why?  What has changed?  I continue to walk as I ponder these questions. But I find that with each step I take it becomes more difficult to lift my feet.  I look down and see that they have become entangled in weeds that are growing among the flowers. I haven’t seen those before.  Where did they come from?  I struggle to break free.  But the weeds are strong and stubborn.  They are trying so hard to hold me back.  I free one foot and then the other.  I take a few steps and become entangled again.   It is becoming so difficult to move forward.  I am getting so tired.  All I want now is to leave this horrible field.  The weeds have stolen the beauty that I once saw here.  Had they been there all the time?  Why are the binding my feet so? 

As dusk begins to approach, I know that I can not  go on much longer.  I have fought the weeds for most of the day.  There is very little fight left in me.  I look around to see if I can find a place to rest.  There appears to be a change in terrain just ahead.  Night is coming on so fast that I fear I won’t be able to find shelter for the night.  It is so dark now that I can not see what is before me.  My body is so weak.  I fall to my knees.  I am exhausted.  All I want to do is sleep.  But sleep won’t come.  I must go on.  I feel that familiar sting in my eyes.  A tear rolls down my face and I begin to crawl.

~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading The Weeds

2 Comments on The Weeds

My First Flower

  • Posted on at 12:32 pm

As I continue to walk,  I begin to feel overwhelmed by the vastness of  the  field before me.  There are so many flowers. How can I choose?  How many should I choose?  What color?  What fragrance?  What size?   My head is spinning with the mere thought of all the different possibilities.  It is strange, but in the midst of all my confusion, I feel such a sense of peace and freedom.  Each time I brush up against a new flower,  a new scent is released.  I want to touch each one so that I can experience some of all that is being offered.  The aroma of all the different blooms is so intoxicating that at times it seems as though I can feel my feet leave the ground.  I am reminded of the butterflies I saw earlier in the morning and I begin to imagine that I am one of them.  I close my eyes.  I can see myself dancing on the breeze,  stopping every now and then for a fragrant kiss.  The kisses feel like notes to a song I have never heard before.  I become  lost in the music.  I can feel the breeze blowing across my face and through my hair.  It is wonderful.  I find myself  hoping that it never ends. 

When I open my eyes, I look down and am surprised to see that I am holding a flower.  It is so beautiful and smells so sweet.  But how did it get in my hand?  Did I choose it?  I can’t remember.  I look around and can’t believe that I have walked so far.  Just how long was I lost in the fragrance of the new music?  I have no idea.  Nothing is making sense.  As I stand there trying to wrap my mind around what has just happened, I am startled by a loud noise.  It’s thunder.  There is a storm approaching.  I know I need to take shelter,  but where?  I begin to look around me.  Off in the distance, I can see what appears to be a stand of trees.  Should I go there?  Will it be safe?  Once again I hear the thunder. I have no choice. I begin to walk, then run toward the trees.  As I get closer,  I can see what appears to be a large rock in front of the trees.  It seems so out of place.  But I can’t think about that now.  The rain is beginning to fall and fall hard. I begin to run faster.  I finally reach the rock and I am pleased to see a ledge just big enough to cover me.  As I crawl in, it thunders  again and I see a flash.  The lightning is so close.  I am so thankful that I found the rock when I did. 

As I sit there, waiting for the storm to pass, I begin to feel intense pain.  I suddenly remember the flower.  I look down and there it is.  I open my hand and see that I am bleeding.  In that moment, I realize the flower has thorns.  I can’t believe that such a beautiful thing could make me bleed and cause so much pain.   I let go of the flower and shake my hand as if to shake away all the pain.  I can feel emotion from deep within begin to rise.  My heart, which is still racing from running across the field, begins to beat even faster.  My eyes well up as a river of tears tries hard to break free.   I feel as if I am in the middle of two storms.  While nature’s storm is raging on the outside, my own personal storm is raging on the inside.  I try to be strong.  But the storms prove to be too much.  I pull my knees up close to me, I bow my head and I begin to cry.  Why did this have to happen?  When will it end?   The pain I feel seems all too familiar.  I am certain that this time I will surely die.  I am reminded of my time in the desert.  I feel so alone.  The harder the rain falls, the harder I cry.  Every clap of thunder and flash of lightning seems to intensify my pain.  The storms rage on all through the night. 

I am awakened in the morning by the sound of a song bird perched in one of the trees just above the rock.   I am surprised to realize that I got any sleep at all.  As I begin to stir,  I look over and see the flower crumpled on the ground beside me.  It looks so different.  It is beginning to wilt.  It’s color and fragrance are fading.  My eyes are drawn to the thorns.   They are so dark and ugly.  I sit there trying to make sense of it all.  How could something that had once made me so happy, suddenly cause me such pain?  As I look at the wound in my hand and then look again at the thorns, it becomes so clear to me.  I have caused my own pain.  Had I not held on so tight to my beautiful flower, I would have never been hurt.  The thorns were only there to protect the flower.  My tight grasp had not been intentional.  But I was so afraid of the coming storm, that I lost sight of the delicate beauty that was right there in my hand.   The sting of the lesson I have just learned runs deep.  Never again will I be lost in the fragrant music of that beautiful flower.  I feel such loss. I have been changed forever.

I am lifted from my solemn thoughts by the same song bird that had awakened me earlier.   I emerge from  my safe place under the ledge of the rock and survey my surroundings.  I am in awe of the beauty before me.  I had been so certain that the storms would destroyed the field.  But there it is; even more beautiful than it was the day before.  Everything looks so fresh and new.  A gentle morning breeze begins to blow and I once again smell that familiar intoxicating aroma.  It is drawing  me back into the field.  I feel a strong urge to turn around and look back at the flower that I am leaving behind, but I remember my resolution.  I wipe my eyes, I take a deep breath and I begin to walk.

 ~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

Continue reading My First Flower

1 Comment