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Love Was Thinking of You

  • Posted on January 4, 2010 at 1:44 pm

100_0246When the morning first dawned,
Love was thinking of you.
When the birds began to sing,
Love was thinking of you

When the skies were blue,
When the flowers all bloomed,
When the sun warmed your skin,
Love was thinking of you.

When the chill of night fell,
Love was thinking of you.
When the light couldn’t be seen,
Love was thinking of you.

When the clouds rolled in,
When the cold winds blew,
When the rain began to fall
Love was thinking of you.

When your pain was so deep,
Love was thinking of you.
When your tears wouldn’t stop,
Love was thinking of you.

When you felt all alone,
When you couldn’t find hope,
When you knew life was over,
Love was thinking of you.

When you heard your heart call,
Love was thinking of you.
When you felt its light shine,
Love was thinking of you.

When you opened your eyes,
When you knew who you were,
When you finally reached home,
Love was thinking of you.

~D~

Photo: Sunrise ~ Palm Coast, FL ~ August 2009
Copyright 2010 – Denise Gilreath ©

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My Candle

  • Posted on November 29, 2009 at 4:56 pm

I’ve always held my candle close,
afraid it would not shine
like those around me thought it should.
But still it burned inside.

My candle’s light was hidden by
the pain that I went thru.
The dark of night fell hard and cruel.
But still it burned inside.

I couldn’t feel my candle’s warmth
when fear’s cold wind would blow.
Many times I thought its flame was lost.
But still it burned inside.

Then one day my candle called to me
and said that it was time
to open up and shine the light
that had always burned inside.

My candle said it mattered not
what others thought I should be.
Go light the world in your own way
with the flame that burns inside.

I knew my candle’s words were true
But my wounds were deep and raw.
How could I shine when I could not feel
the flame that burned inside?

My candle heard my thoughts and said
I’m healing those wounds for you.
Soon there’ll be nothing to hold you back
from sharing the flame inside.

I could feel the light from my candle grow
as it made its way thru me.
My wounds were turned into scars of gold
by the flame that burned inside.

I no longer hold my candle close.
I share it with the world.
Who I AM and the pain I’ve felt
is what fuels the flame inside.

~D~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

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The Dancing Bloom

  • Posted on November 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

As I  blindly move forward  into the fog that still hangs in the chasm, I am quickly reminded of the condition of my body.  I was severely beaten and battered by the fierceness of the storm, the power of the darkness and the force of the river.  I know that it will take a long time for me to heal.  At this point, I wonder if I will ever completely heal.  I think back to my time in the desert.  It was a long, hard and very dry walk.  But as difficult and painful as it was, it never caused the kind of pain that I have recently experienced.  I play over and over in my mind scenes from the events that have taken place since first entering the field of flowers.  I remember the joy of finding my first flower and the pain and sadness of losing it.  How could I fly so high and then fall so far?  Deep down I know that it wasn’t just because I lost the flower.  Why couldn’t I see this before?  It is so clear to me now.  The loss I suffered in the field ripped open many wounds from the desert that had not yet healed.  That’s why the pain was so deep.  That’s why the fall was so devastating.  Just as this new found awareness is sinking in, my thoughts come back to my present circumstance.  The fog is slowly beginning to clear.  It hangs mostly in thick patches now;  a very welcome reprieve for my eyes which are constantly trying to focus.

The light is gradually becoming brighter. I stop walking and turn my face toward it.  I close my eyes and drink in the warmth as it gently caresses my entire body.  I  become lost in the rays of light and feel as though I could stand there forever.  I am startled as something brushes up against my cheek.  When I open my eyes, I find a lovely purple swallowtail butterfly resting on my right shoulder.  I am mesmerized by its grace and beauty.  Suddenly, without warning, it takes to the sky.  I watch as it flutters around me.  I am reminded of the rainbow of freedom I saw in the field of flowers.  This butterfly is like a little dancing bloom.  It continues to dance around me for a short time  and then it flies away.  My heart sinks.  The first hint of joy I have felt in a long time just flew away.  My eyes begin to sting and just as the first tear falls, I feel something on my shoulder. It’s back!  In an instant it flies off again but doesn’t go very far before it returns.  It wants me to follow and  I gladly do so. Where is it taking me?  I don’t even care.  I follow closely as it leads me thru the winding chasm. 

The fog is almost gone now.  I notice that the rock walls have become much steeper and  the terrain is beginning to change.  There are  many more trees and shrubs in this part of the chasm.  Memories of the tree under which I took shelter during the storm flash thru my mind.  I become lost in thought.  I don’t want to think about it.  But how can I not think about it?  Just as a battle begins to rage in my mind,  I feel a familiar brush up against my cheek.  The butterfly is once again trying to get my attention.  I watch as the little purple bloom dances around for a moment.  Then…I see it.  It is a most welcome sight.  Directly in front of me is a breathtakingly beautiful green cove.  There are trees and flowers and a running stream.  I look up and realize that I am standing at the base of a mountain.  I look around me and find that I am surrounded by mountains;  big, beautiful majestic mountains.  My gaze is interrupted by a songbird as he takes his place in a nearby tree. I listen as he begins to sing.  It has been much too long since I last heard such a lovely melody. I am in awe of my surroundings.  As I stand there, taking it all in, the butterfly returns and gracefully dances in celebration.  It brushes up against my cheek one last time as if to say, “You made it!”  Then the little dancing bloom makes it way across the sky and disappears.  I am sad to see it go, but somehow I know that we will meet again.  I am so thankful for the butterfly.  It  has brought me to such a peaceful place.  I know that this is where my healing will begin.  I find a comfortable spot  under a shade tree.  I lie down, I close my eyes and I rest.

~D~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

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Build A Bridge

  • Posted on at 9:57 am

These are the lyrics to the song that I mentioned in my previous post, “Those Damn Walls”.     

 

Build A Bridge

From across the crowded room, I see you look at me and I melt inside.

I can’t let you see, just what you do to me.  No, I’ve got to hide.

I’ve been building these walls, all around my heart for oh, so long.

I can’t remember why.  It’s just what I do.

 

When I look back at you, I see it in your eyes.  You feel it, too.

But you would never say that I might be the one.  No, you’ve got to hide.

You’ve been building those walls all around your heart for oh, so long.

You don’t remember why.  It’s just what you do.

 

Now you’re holding me close, we dance across the floor to a slow song.

Your heart beats with mine, in perfect time.  It’s meant to be.

So, why should there be walls to keep us apart when it feels so right?

Let’s build a bridge to each other’s heart.  Let’s take a chance.

 

Let’s tear these walls down and build a bridge to each other’s heart.

Let’s tear these walls down and build a bridge…

…and let’s cross over.

~ D ~

Copyright 2007 – Denise Gilreath ©

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Those Damn Walls

  • Posted on November 2, 2009 at 10:58 am

The following is something that I wrote and posted as a MySpace blog a few years ago.  A close friend of mine recently suggested that I post it here as well.  At first,  I hesitated to do so.   Then, after much thought, I decided that I would  post it with an update.  I feel certain that many of you will be able to relate. 

Those Damn Walls

Lately, I have been thinking about the walls that people put up around themselves and all the reasons why they do it.  I really do understand, from experience, why it happens.  Once a person has been hurt, it seems to make sense to protect themselves by not letting people get too close.  But they end up hiding who they really are and in doing so they cheat the rest of us out of the wonderful experience of getting to know them.

Life is tough…Shit happens.  But you know, “It is what it is!” (to quote my current life motto) and you just have to learn to take it as it comes.  For those of you who have known me for a while, you know that my life has changed in major ways over the past year.  I could have decided to just shut down and shut everyone out, but that is what I have always done…and it obviously has never worked very well for me.  So, now I am taking one day at a time, being who God made me to be, putting myself out there and loving every minute of it.

Yeah, sure, by putting myself out there, I run the risk of getting close to someone who can touch my heart…and then break it…  But I have decided that it is worth the risk.  I now understand what “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” means.  Man, whoever said that must have walked a mile in my shoes!  Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking for nor do I feel I am ready for an exclusive relationship with anyone.  But I do want to be able to really enjoy the people that are in my life.  You know, it is possible to do that without expectations.  Again, it is what it is!

Recently, I wrote a song that I think I will call “Build a Bridge”.  The chorus says “Let’s tear these walls down and build a bridge to each other’s heart”.  Life and love would be so much  better if we would not waste time building those walls; but would instead take the time to build bridges that we could cross over.   You just never know what might be waiting on the other side!!!

Copyright 2007 – Denise Gilreath ©

Update

I wrote “Those Damn Walls” in early 2007.   At that time, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I was “putting myself out there”.  I did get close to someone.  He touched my heart.  Then my heart was broken.   It wasn’t his fault.  It wasn’t my fault.  It just happened.  Sometimes, it’s all about timing.  Maybe it just wasn’t our time.  In spite of all the pain and tears…I do believe it was worth it.  The experience taught me many lessons and I have no regrets.  It really is “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.  He showed me love like I had never known it and I was able to love him like I had never loved before.  I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. 

Because of that experience, my perspective on walls has somewhat changed.  I believe walls are sometimes a very necessary part of survival.  I now know that while I was busy “putting myself out there”….I had my own set of walls. I had been so focused on other people’s walls…I couldn’t see my own.   The thing is, the man that I met,  the man that touched my heart;  he saw those walls.  He saw them and he cared enough to climb over them.  He really cared that much. 

Since that time, I will admit that I have built more walls.  They are thicker and more fortified.  I don’t like the walls.  I don’t want the walls.  But they are necessary for me; for now.  My heart is in the process of healing and it is getting stronger everyday.  I still believe in tearing down walls and building bridges.  But maybe, before we do so, we should care enough to climb over the walls and find out why they were built in the first place. 

~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

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Her Faith

  • Posted on October 17, 2009 at 11:01 am

Her Faith

She’s been through so much.

She feels so much pain.

But she hangs on. 

When she hurt, he felt it.

When she cried, he cried, too.

When she laughed, he always smiled.

She remembers what he said.

And she believes.

She felt his touch.

He changed her life.

Where did he go? 

So afraid.

Yet, so certain of who she is.

She hangs on.

~ D ~

Copyright 2008 – Denise Gilreath ©

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The Fall

  • Posted on at 10:41 am

Crawling is proving to be as difficult as walking. Not only are my feet being entangled, but so are my hands. The weeds are so persistent. Each time I free myself, I immediately become entangled again. Moving forward is such a struggle and my progress is so very slow. Surely, I will be out of this field soon. As I continue to crawl I realize that the tears have stopped. For the first time since coming out of the desert, I feel no emotion. My mind is so drained. My body is so tired. I have crawled for most of the night. I need a place to lay my head. But I do not want to stay in this field. I just know there has to be something better than this ahead of me. So, I force myself to go on. I keep going, until suddenly, without warning, I find myself falling. I begin to scream. It is so dark and I have no idea what is happening. My heart is pounding. I can’t breathe. The thought that I could possibly die begins to overtake me. There is nothing I can do to help myself. I just keep falling and falling and falling.

When I wake up, I am disoriented. Where am I? I don’t recognize this place. How did I get here? Memories of the night before slowly begin to creep into my mind. I remember falling but I don’t remember hitting the ground. I must have lost consciousness on the way down. I have no idea how far I fell. The thought of what I had just been through is overwhelming. I decide to distract myself from my thoughts. I try to move, but there is so much pain. I finally manage to sit up. I can’t tell what time of day it is. There are so many clouds that I can’t see where the sun is in the sky. It is very still and very quiet in this place. As I look around I can’t help but notice how cold and dark everything seems. A shiver runs up my spine and resonates throughout my body as I continue to survey my surroundings. There is no grass, just dirt with rocks scattered about. There are no flowers and no butterflies and no songbirds. I see a tree off in the distance, but it has no leaves. It reminds me of autumn. I remember the field that I have just crossed and I am confused. It was like springtime there. How could the seasons change so quickly? What happened to summer?

As I continue to look around, I notice that behind me is a wall of rocks. I look up. I can see the ledge from which I must have fallen. My eyes follow the rock wall downward. I feel another shiver run up my spine as I realize just how far I’ve fallen. I begin to feel light headed. I need to rest. I look at the place where I fell. It looks very welcoming at the moment. I lean back and slowly put my head on the ground. I close my eyes. My mind is bombarded with flashes of scenes from the past few days. I become confused. I just can’t deal with this right now. I open my eyes and look around. After awhile, I begin to sense that there is a strange comfort in this place. I can feel myself being drawn into its stillness. All I want to do now is sleep. Maybe I’ll understand it better when I wake up. I close my eyes, I take a deep breath and I fall sleep.

~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

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The Weeds

  • Posted on October 16, 2009 at 12:37 pm

While making my way back to the field, I can’t help but think about the flower that I have left behind.   A whirlwind of memories floods my mind.  Waves of emotion try their best to overtake me.   I am determined  to hold my ground.  I stop and literally shake my head as if to shake it all away.   Something deep inside of me wants to go back.  But why?  What hold does that flower have on me?  I think of  the fragrant music to which I had danced just the day before.  I can’t hear it now it but I remember how it made me feel.  That music took me to a place that I had never been.  I am so tempted to turn around.  I close my eyes, hoping to gain strength from somewhere within me.  I relive the events of the previous day.  At first, I feel so free and happy as I remember the beauty of  my flower.  I can feel myself  being drawn into the picturesque memory.  Suddenly, my mood changes as memories of yesterday’s storms make their way forward.  I can almost see the lightning and hear the thunder.  I remember the fear. I remember the thorns.  I can feel the pain all over again.  I shudder at the thought of it all.  My resolve to not look back is somewhat strengthened.  I open my eyes and I begin to walk.  I can do this. I can do this.

I look around the field of flowers and notice it seems different.  What could it be?  The flowers are all there. I can even see some butterflies off in the distance.  I breathe in and smell the aroma.  That’s strange. It doesn’t have the same effect on me that it did earlier.  Why?  What has changed?  I continue to walk as I ponder these questions. But I find that with each step I take it becomes more difficult to lift my feet.  I look down and see that they have become entangled in weeds that are growing among the flowers. I haven’t seen those before.  Where did they come from?  I struggle to break free.  But the weeds are strong and stubborn.  They are trying so hard to hold me back.  I free one foot and then the other.  I take a few steps and become entangled again.   It is becoming so difficult to move forward.  I am getting so tired.  All I want now is to leave this horrible field.  The weeds have stolen the beauty that I once saw here.  Had they been there all the time?  Why are the binding my feet so? 

As dusk begins to approach, I know that I can not  go on much longer.  I have fought the weeds for most of the day.  There is very little fight left in me.  I look around to see if I can find a place to rest.  There appears to be a change in terrain just ahead.  Night is coming on so fast that I fear I won’t be able to find shelter for the night.  It is so dark now that I can not see what is before me.  My body is so weak.  I fall to my knees.  I am exhausted.  All I want to do is sleep.  But sleep won’t come.  I must go on.  I feel that familiar sting in my eyes.  A tear rolls down my face and I begin to crawl.

~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

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My First Flower

  • Posted on at 12:32 pm

As I continue to walk,  I begin to feel overwhelmed by the vastness of  the  field before me.  There are so many flowers. How can I choose?  How many should I choose?  What color?  What fragrance?  What size?   My head is spinning with the mere thought of all the different possibilities.  It is strange, but in the midst of all my confusion, I feel such a sense of peace and freedom.  Each time I brush up against a new flower,  a new scent is released.  I want to touch each one so that I can experience some of all that is being offered.  The aroma of all the different blooms is so intoxicating that at times it seems as though I can feel my feet leave the ground.  I am reminded of the butterflies I saw earlier in the morning and I begin to imagine that I am one of them.  I close my eyes.  I can see myself dancing on the breeze,  stopping every now and then for a fragrant kiss.  The kisses feel like notes to a song I have never heard before.  I become  lost in the music.  I can feel the breeze blowing across my face and through my hair.  It is wonderful.  I find myself  hoping that it never ends. 

When I open my eyes, I look down and am surprised to see that I am holding a flower.  It is so beautiful and smells so sweet.  But how did it get in my hand?  Did I choose it?  I can’t remember.  I look around and can’t believe that I have walked so far.  Just how long was I lost in the fragrance of the new music?  I have no idea.  Nothing is making sense.  As I stand there trying to wrap my mind around what has just happened, I am startled by a loud noise.  It’s thunder.  There is a storm approaching.  I know I need to take shelter,  but where?  I begin to look around me.  Off in the distance, I can see what appears to be a stand of trees.  Should I go there?  Will it be safe?  Once again I hear the thunder. I have no choice. I begin to walk, then run toward the trees.  As I get closer,  I can see what appears to be a large rock in front of the trees.  It seems so out of place.  But I can’t think about that now.  The rain is beginning to fall and fall hard. I begin to run faster.  I finally reach the rock and I am pleased to see a ledge just big enough to cover me.  As I crawl in, it thunders  again and I see a flash.  The lightning is so close.  I am so thankful that I found the rock when I did. 

As I sit there, waiting for the storm to pass, I begin to feel intense pain.  I suddenly remember the flower.  I look down and there it is.  I open my hand and see that I am bleeding.  In that moment, I realize the flower has thorns.  I can’t believe that such a beautiful thing could make me bleed and cause so much pain.   I let go of the flower and shake my hand as if to shake away all the pain.  I can feel emotion from deep within begin to rise.  My heart, which is still racing from running across the field, begins to beat even faster.  My eyes well up as a river of tears tries hard to break free.   I feel as if I am in the middle of two storms.  While nature’s storm is raging on the outside, my own personal storm is raging on the inside.  I try to be strong.  But the storms prove to be too much.  I pull my knees up close to me, I bow my head and I begin to cry.  Why did this have to happen?  When will it end?   The pain I feel seems all too familiar.  I am certain that this time I will surely die.  I am reminded of my time in the desert.  I feel so alone.  The harder the rain falls, the harder I cry.  Every clap of thunder and flash of lightning seems to intensify my pain.  The storms rage on all through the night. 

I am awakened in the morning by the sound of a song bird perched in one of the trees just above the rock.   I am surprised to realize that I got any sleep at all.  As I begin to stir,  I look over and see the flower crumpled on the ground beside me.  It looks so different.  It is beginning to wilt.  It’s color and fragrance are fading.  My eyes are drawn to the thorns.   They are so dark and ugly.  I sit there trying to make sense of it all.  How could something that had once made me so happy, suddenly cause me such pain?  As I look at the wound in my hand and then look again at the thorns, it becomes so clear to me.  I have caused my own pain.  Had I not held on so tight to my beautiful flower, I would have never been hurt.  The thorns were only there to protect the flower.  My tight grasp had not been intentional.  But I was so afraid of the coming storm, that I lost sight of the delicate beauty that was right there in my hand.   The sting of the lesson I have just learned runs deep.  Never again will I be lost in the fragrant music of that beautiful flower.  I feel such loss. I have been changed forever.

I am lifted from my solemn thoughts by the same song bird that had awakened me earlier.   I emerge from  my safe place under the ledge of the rock and survey my surroundings.  I am in awe of the beauty before me.  I had been so certain that the storms would destroyed the field.  But there it is; even more beautiful than it was the day before.  Everything looks so fresh and new.  A gentle morning breeze begins to blow and I once again smell that familiar intoxicating aroma.  It is drawing  me back into the field.  I feel a strong urge to turn around and look back at the flower that I am leaving behind, but I remember my resolution.  I wipe my eyes, I take a deep breath and I begin to walk.

 ~ D ~

Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

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I Was Followed

  • Posted on at 12:28 pm

Just as I am reaching for the first flower for my new bouquet, I feel a sudden awareness that I am being followed. I stand up, turn around and realize that just behind me is the pain of a very recent heartbreak. It has followed me from the desert. I try to run, but it is so much stronger than me, it overtakes me almost immediately. I begin to lose my balance, and before I realize what is happening, I find myself lying prostrate on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. Why? Why did it have to follow me here to this beautiful field? Why couldn’t it just stay in the desert where it belongs?

I lie there crying for what seems like an eternity. I am in such agony. It feels as if something has just reached inside me and crushed my heart…again. How could this be happening? I thought when I took that first step into this field that the heartache would be far behind me. The longer I lie there, the weaker I become. Finally, I have not even the strength to cry another tear. Night is coming on fast and the air is beginning to feel cold on my skin. My body becomes numb to the intense pain. I am so tired. There is no fight left in me. My eyes become very heavy and I drift off into a deep sleep.

Eventually,  my senses begin to stir.  How long have I been sleeping?  I realize that it must be early morning. I feel the caress of the sun as it begins to warm me from the cold night. The beautiful melody of a distant song bird rings softly in my ears. I can smell the intoxicating aroma of all the beautiful flowers that surround me. I open my eyes and find myself looking up at an amazing blue sky. I sit up and watch as a rainbow of butterflies makes its way freely from flower to flower. My eyes follow the butterflies across the field and back again. Somehow I seem to gain strength from their free spirit and I stand to my feet.

I continue to watch that rainbow of freedom until it disappears across the field. Standing there in an almost trance like state, I suddenly realize that the freshness of a new wind is blowing through the field; and with it, the answers to the questions that I asked myself the night before. A wave of emotion runs through my body as I realize the significance of all that has just happened. I am immediately aware that I am the one that allowed the heartache to follow me to this amazing place. If I had never looked back, the heartache would have never had the strength to overtake me. With this realization, I resolve to never look back again. While in deep thought, my eyes are drawn downward to the place in the field where I had fallen. Lying there on the ground, crushed and wilting, are the remains of flowers that had just the day before been flaunting their grace and beauty. I feel the sting of lost opportunity. But, at the same time, I am thankful for the lesson I have learned. I feel so much stronger now. I take a deep breath, I exhale, a smile forms on my face and I begin to walk.

~ D ~

Copyright 2008 – Denise Gilreath ©

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