Struggle | ~ The Journey ~

In a dream I saw myself as a caterpillar. Everyday, I inched along, doing what caterpillars do; never getting very far above the ground. Though progress was slow, I was driven by an insatiable appetite, so I kept on going. I ingested everything in my path but it seemed nothing ever satisfied the hunger that I felt. I knew that a Caterpillar was what I was meant to be. Then one day, I noticed something was different. I was overcome by a very strong need to be still. And so I decided to build a cocoon. It was cold and dark on the inside of the cocoon. But I could feel myself begin to change from the inside out and I knew that it was meant to be. Time seemed irrelevant while I was there. A moment could have been eternity; eternity, a moment. It was all the same to me. I remained in the stillness; not understanding what was happening but believing that it should. I rested in that belief until there appeared in the cocoon a pin hole of light. I heard the light call to me, “Come.” For the first time since entering the cocoon, I began to stir.

It was a real struggle at first, but the more I moved toward the light the brighter the light became. The brighter the light became, the less I had to struggle. Then suddenly, I realized I was no longer inside the cocoon. I was still hanging on to it, but I was no longer inside it. I felt the warmth of the light as it began to wipe away the cold and the dark to which I had grown so accustomed. Hanging there, I felt a soft breeze blow across my body. I heard a voice in the light say “It’s time to let go.” As I heard these words, I found myself letting go of what remained of the confining cocoon. At first I was afraid of falling, then to my surprise, I began to fly. Yes, it was true. I was now a Butterfly. I had emerged from the cocoon with the most beautiful pair of wings. I felt such a need to fly; a need that was just as insatiable as the hunger I had felt when I was a caterpillar. The feeling of joy and freedom that overcame me was indescribable. I wanted to share it with the world. I spread my wings and I took to the sky. I danced on the wind and I kissed every flower that I saw. I knew that a Butterfly was what I was meant to be.

One morning, as I was fluttering about as Butterflies do, I looked up and saw a beautiful mountain; a big, beautiful majestic mountain. I rested on a nearby rock and gazed at the majesty before me. I knew there was something special about this mountain. I could see a type of glow radiating from it that I had never seen before. It was as if the mountain was made of light. I was in awe. Then, I heard the mountain call to me, “Come.” Down deep inside I knew that I should go, but it was so high and it was so far away. I had never flown that high or that far. Again, the mountain called, “Come.” I wondered if I could really do it. Did I have the strength? I knew I had to go. I had no idea how I would do it…but I had to go. So when I heard the mountain call once more, I took to the sky.

There was a cautious exhilaration that came in those first moments. “I’m just a Butterfly” I thought to myself. “I’m so small and my wings are so fragile.” But the mountain kept calling and I kept flying. The higher I flew the brighter the light from the mountain became. The brighter the light from the mountain became, the stronger I grew. Much to my amazement, I realized that I was once again being transformed. I no longer felt small and fragile. My wings were powerful and their span was becoming ever so wide. The eyes that I now looked thru allowed me to see so much that I could not see before. Yes, it was true. I was now an Eagle…and I wasn’t just flying…I was soaring! I soared and I soared; higher and higher. The freedom and joy that I felt as a Butterfly did not even compare to what I was now experiencing. I knew that an Eagle was what I was meant to be. As I attempted to take it all in I realized that I was at the peak of the mountain. I touched down softly and surveyed my surroundings. There was light all around. From my new vantage point, I could see beauty that I never knew existed. I felt as if I could see forever and the beauty never ended. Threads of light were all connected and interwoven creating a magical tapestry. I looked up and saw an even brighter light shining thru a white cloud laced with silver.

I heard a voice from beyond the cloud say. “You’re almost home.” I didn’t know exactly what that meant. I felt so at home where I was; surrounded by beauty and light. Surely there could be nothing better. Then I heard that familiar call, “Come.” I stood up, spread my wings and flew toward the light. As I entered the white cloud before me, I felt as if I was being lifted. I was lifted higher and higher. When I emerged from the cloud, there was nothing but light. Everywhere I looked, I saw light. I was standing beside a river of light. I looked at my reflection and I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had once again been transformed. Yes, it was true. I was a Dove…and I was made of the purest light. Freedom and joy abounded. I spread my wings and the light became even brighter. I knew that a Dove was what I was meant to be. It was then I heard a voice from the light softly whisper, “I AM Love. Welcome Home.”

When I awoke, I felt such peace. For in my heart I knew that the Caterpillar is the Butterfly is the Eagle is the Dove…and all of these is Love. I know that Love is what I am meant to be. Love is what I AM.

~D~

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- Dreams

For Such a Time as This

Posted on December 27, 2009 at 9:11 pm

As the year 2009 comes to an end, it takes with it another decade. For me, it has been a decade of preparation, separation and illumination. I have always been a “seeker”, but I did not begin to actively seek MY truth until 1999. My life began to change immediately upon doing so. My career as a business executive abruptly ended, my daughter left home to attend college and my marriage began to fall apart. I also felt strongly that I should leave the organized church. Though I still held to the core Christian beliefs, I found the spirit of religion to be very stifling.

Much more happened in the years that followed, including the passing of my mother and the end of my 22 year marriage. Relationships with friends and family either ended or became strained. My life long dream of owning my own business was both realized and lost. However, during this time, I also experienced some of the most amazing miracles; miracles straight from the heart and hand of God. It was those miracles that kept me going. It was those miracles that made me believe I was on the right track. It was those miracles that eventually lead me to my truth.

197_9737 I Believe.. This past year has been about letting go; letting go of everything and everyone that was keeping me from being who I really am. It has not been an easy thing for me to do. I held on tight to a lot of expectations, relationships and “safety nets” because they provided a type of comfort. But for me, it’s not about comfort…it never has been. It’s about following my heart…and my heart said “It’s time to let go.” I have felt the “sting” of all the letting go very strongly these past few days. My mind has wanted to take me back and each time my heart has pulled me forward. Following my heart hasn’t always been easy…but I have always known that it would not lead me astray.

And so, I sit here in my aloneness…which I have come to realize is actually an al-one-ness…and I wait with much excitement and anticipation for the new year to begin. The slate has been wiped clean for me…I have only my faith in the truth that I have found. I feel strongly that 2010 is the beginning of a new chapter in my life; a chapter of Love, Light and Life. I truly believe that I was born “for such a time as this.”

~D~

Photo: Sunrise ~ Palm Coast, FL ~ August 2009
Copyright 2009 – Denise Gilreath ©

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- Heartspeak

Our Little Christmas Tree

Posted on December 18, 2009 at 12:52 pm

It was December 1977. My father had passed away in July of that year. I was fifteen years old. My sister was two years younger. My twenty-two year old brother had taken on the role of “man of the house” and worked to help support our family. My mother was severely depressed and stayed in bed most of the time. Being raised in a southern Christian home, celebrating Christmas was something we did every year. Though we were not “well off” by any stretch of the imagination, we did always manage to have a blessed Christmas. There were never many gifts under the tree, but there was a lot of love shared.

This particular Christmas was proving to be different, however. There was no joy in our home. It was a struggle for all of us to just make it thru the day. Though we did love one another dearly, we seemed to all be in our own little world of self-preservation. Each of us was dealing with the tragedy that had befallen our family in our own way. The pain we were experiencing was not something we talked about much at all.

I remember one day, just before Christmas, I went to my mother’s room and climbed into bed with her. I asked when we were going to decorate and put up the tree. She responded by saying that there would be no tree this year. She just could not find it within herself to celebrate…anything. Tears began to stream down my face as I once again was reminded how our lives had changed. I don’t know how long I lay there next to my mother, but I do know that not another word was spoken during that time…only silent tears from both of us.

At some point during the next few days, I got an idea. Even though it really didn’t feel like Christmas…I did want a tree. I knew there would be no gifts to put under it, but I still wanted to decorate. When I think about it now, I guess I was looking for that lost joy…for that feeling of love that always came with that time of year. I went to the garage, got my father’s old hand saw, convinced my sister to go with me and we headed for the woods. We didn’t have to go far. The woods around us were full of cedar trees. We found one that we thought we could manage and before long we were dragging our Christmas tree out of the woods and up the street to our house.

When we finally managed to get the tree into the living room, we realized that it wasn’t as big as it had seemed in the woods. It might actually have been the smallest tree we had ever had…but at least we were going to have a tree. My brother helped us put the tree in the stand and made certain that it was safely secured and standing straight. Then my sister and I went to the closets and gathered all the lights and decorations. We worked for hours. We even came up with a few “homemade” gifts to wrap and place under the tree. When we were finished…it looked like Christmas.

I can’t remember everything about that Christmas morning. I don’t know which of us kids got up first. I can’t remember opening any of the gifts. But what I do remember is that at some point during that morning, my mother got out of bed and came into the living room with us. She sat down and looked around at the lights and the decorations. She looked at our little tree and the gifts underneath… and then she smiled. She told us how beautiful everything looked. As I write this, I can once again feel the joy and love that I felt at that moment.

There have been many Christmas mornings to celebrate since that time. I have experienced the joy of seeing my own child’s eyes filled with the excitement of the season. I have felt the love that is Christmas many times as well. This year, I will even have the privilege of watching my grandson as he experiences his first Christmas. But, in my heart, none of these can compare to the love and joy that I felt as my family sat around our little tree on that Christmas morning all those many years ago.

~D~

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- Heartspeak

My Candle

Posted on November 29, 2009 at 4:56 pm

I’ve always held my candle close,
afraid it would not shine
like those around me thought it should.
But still it burned inside.

My candle’s light was hidden by
the pain that I went thru.
The dark of night fell hard and cruel.
But still it burned inside.

I couldn’t feel my candle’s warmth
when fear’s cold wind would blow.
Many times I thought its flame was lost.
But still it burned inside.

Then one day my candle called to me
and said that it was time
to open up and shine the light
that had always burned inside.

My candle said it mattered not
what others thought I should be.
Go light the world in your own way
with the flame that burns inside.

I knew my candle’s words were true
But my wounds were deep and raw.
How could I shine when I could not feel
the flame that burned inside?

My candle heard my thoughts and said
I’m healing those wounds for you.
Soon there’ll be nothing to hold you back
from sharing the flame inside.

I could feel the light from my candle grow
as it made its way thru me.
My wounds were turned into scars of gold
by the flame that burned inside.

I no longer hold my candle close.
I share it with the world.
Who I AM and the pain I’ve felt
is what fuels the flame inside.

~D~

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- Poems & Prose

A Place in the Cove

Posted on November 15, 2009 at 10:23 am

This is a poem that I wrote a few years ago, not long after my time in ”The Mountain Cove”. I would like to post it here as a public thank you to those in my life for whom I have written it. You know who you are. I hope that in some small way this will show you the gratitude that I feel for all that you have done for me. And for everyone else, may God bless you with a place like this to call home should you ever need it.

A Place in the Cove

There’s a place I know down in the Cove

Some call it K-town, I’ve called it home.

At times there’s no place I would rather be.

The sky is clear and the moon shines bright.

You can count the stars most every night.

And in the distance you might hear a coyote sing.

There’s an old black dog that welcomes you;

two little ones might greet you too.

A Home Sweet Home sign hangs above the door.

A margarita or an ice cold beer;

“Five o’clock comes ’round more often here.”

Those words are always followed with a wink.

There’s a fuzzy blanket on the chair.

And there’s always lots of love to share,

a home cooked meal and place to lay your head.

The people there are family.

And each one means the world to me.

God blessed me when he put them in my life.

There was a time I thought I’d never see

this gift that my God gave to me

when I had no other place that I could go.

I brought my troubles and my fears.

I cried a river full of tears.

At times I thought that I would rather die.

But the love they shared, it lifted me

out of all the pain and misery.

It healed my heart; now I’m on my own again.

So no matter how far away I go

I’ll remember that place down in the Cove

and the people there who mean so much to me.

Because the love they gave; it saved my life.

May God bless them for their sacrifice.

And keep them safe ’till I can go back there again.

I love you guys!

~D~

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The Mountain Cove

Posted on November 13, 2009 at 11:59 pm

The rest that I find here in this cove is such a welcome change to the strain of recent events. The peacefulness of this place is like none I have ever experienced. I feel the healing warmth of the sun as it is filtered thru the leaves of the tree above me. I can hear the hypnotic sounds of flowing water near by. The songbird is still singing. It is a nice compliment to the sounds of the stream. I open my eyes and see a beautiful clear blue sky. There is no more fog. I sit up and look around me. The grass here is so very green. There are wild flowers scattered about. Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of a butterfly as it kisses one of the flowers. I think of my little dancing bloom and wonder where it might be. I imagine it fluttering over a field of flowers somewhere; dipping down to gracefully kiss each bloom as only a butterfly can do. I become lost in the beauty of my thoughts until I am suddenly brought back to reality by a loud rumble somewhere in the trees behind me. Startled, I instinctively huddle close to the base of the shade tree. What could be making such a noise? It seems so out of place here in this peaceful cove.

I am afraid to look into the woods behind me. I feel the earth shake as the rumbling continues. Fear rises up from deep within. Without warning, something crashes into the shade tree and with a very hard jolt I am thrown into the air. In an instant I find myself face down on the ground several feet from where I was hiding. Shaking, in pain and very frightened, I slowly raise my head. There beside me are several large rocks. I look toward the woods and see fallen trees and rocks everywhere. The avalanche has cut a deep path from the side of the mountain straight thru the woods to the middle of the cove. I lie motionless for what seems like an eternity as I try to absorb all that has just happened. What caused the mountain to turn loose of the rocks so suddenly? I feel as though the whole world has come crashing down on my beautiful cove. Sadness begins to rise and replaces the fear I felt earlier. A flood of tears is not far behind. Night is beginning to fall and with it comes a darkness that is all too familiar. I curl up on the ground in a fetal position. I thought I had left the darkness behind. It doesn’t belong here in my safe place. Tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I close my eyes and with everything within me, I wish the darkness away.

The morning falls gently on the cove and I slowly begin to stir. I feel the sun shining warmly on my face as it dries the last of the tears from the night before. I remember the darkness and I am surprised that it left me so quickly. There is pain as I attempt to stand, but it isn’t has bad as I thought it would be. I rise to my feet and look toward the mountain. The scars left behind by the avalanche are such a contrast to the beauty of the cove. I don’t understand why it had to happen, but I am so grateful that I made it thru safely. I turn and make my way over to the stream. It seems totally undisturbed by the upheaval that has taken place. I watch as the water glistens in the sunlight. A soft breeze begins to blow. The peace that I felt when I first saw the cove is returning. This has truly been a healing place for me. I am much stronger now. I know that I must move on. I hesitate to leave this amazing place because I feel so at home here. But it is time. I take one last look around and with a sigh, I begin to walk.

~ D ~

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- Allegory - Chapter 10

The Dancing Bloom

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

As I blindly move forward into the fog that still hangs in the chasm, I am quickly reminded of the condition of my body. I was severely beaten and battered by the fierceness of the storm, the power of the darkness and the force of the river. I know that it will take a long time for me to heal. At this point, I wonder if I will ever completely heal. I think back to my time in the desert. It was a long, hard and very dry walk. But as difficult and painful as it was, it never caused the kind of pain that I have recently experienced. I play over and over in my mind scenes from the events that have taken place since first entering the field of flowers. I remember the joy of finding my first flower and the pain and sadness of losing it. How could I fly so high and then fall so far? Deep down I know that it wasn’t just because I lost the flower. Why couldn’t I see this before? It is so clear to me now. The loss I suffered in the field ripped open many wounds from the desert that had not yet healed. That’s why the pain was so deep. That’s why the fall was so devastating. Just as this new found awareness is sinking in, my thoughts come back to my present circumstance. The fog is slowly beginning to clear. It hangs mostly in thick patches now; a very welcome reprieve for my eyes which are constantly trying to focus.

The light is gradually becoming brighter. I stop walking and turn my face toward it. I close my eyes and drink in the warmth as it gently caresses my entire body. I become lost in the rays of light and feel as though I could stand there forever. I am startled as something brushes up against my cheek. When I open my eyes, I find a lovely purple swallowtail butterfly resting on my right shoulder. I am mesmerized by its grace and beauty. Suddenly, without warning, it takes to the sky. I watch as it flutters around me. I am reminded of the rainbow of freedom I saw in the field of flowers. This butterfly is like a little dancing bloom. It continues to dance around me for a short time and then it flies away. My heart sinks. The first hint of joy I have felt in a long time just flew away. My eyes begin to sting and just as the first tear falls, I feel something on my shoulder. It’s back! In an instant it flies off again but doesn’t go very far before it returns. It wants me to follow and I gladly do so. Where is it taking me? I don’t even care. I follow closely as it leads me thru the winding chasm.

The fog is almost gone now. I notice that the rock walls have become much steeper and the terrain is beginning to change. There are many more trees and shrubs in this part of the chasm. Memories of the tree under which I took shelter during the storm flash thru my mind. I become lost in thought. I don’t want to think about it. But how can I not think about it? Just as a battle begins to rage in my mind, I feel a familiar brush up against my cheek. The butterfly is once again trying to get my attention. I watch as the little purple bloom dances around for a moment. Then…I see it. It is a most welcome sight. Directly in front of me is a breathtakingly beautiful green cove. There are trees and flowers and a running stream. I look up and realize that I am standing at the base of a mountain. I look around me and find that I am surrounded by mountains; big, beautiful majestic mountains. My gaze is interrupted by a songbird as he takes his place in a nearby tree. I listen as he begins to sing. It has been much too long since I last heard such a lovely melody. I am in awe of my surroundings. As I stand there, taking it all in, the butterfly returns and gracefully dances in celebration. It brushes up against my cheek one last time as if to say, “You made it!” Then the little dancing bloom makes it way across the sky and disappears. I am sad to see it go, but somehow I know that we will meet again. I am so thankful for the butterfly. It has brought me to such a peaceful place. I know that this is where my healing will begin. I find a comfortable spot under a shade tree. I lie down, I close my eyes and I rest.

~D~

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- Allegory - Chapter 09

Build A Bridge

Posted on at 9:57 am

These are the lyrics to the song that I mentioned in my previous post, “Those Damn Walls”.

Build A Bridge

From across the crowded room, I see you look at me and I melt inside.

I can’t let you see, just what you do to me. No, I’ve got to hide.

I’ve been building these walls, all around my heart for oh, so long.

I can’t remember why. It’s just what I do.

When I look back at you, I see it in your eyes. You feel it, too.

But you would never say that I might be the one. No, you’ve got to hide.

You’ve been building those walls all around your heart for oh, so long.

You don’t remember why. It’s just what you do.

Now you’re holding me close, we dance across the floor to a slow song.

Your heart beats with mine, in perfect time. It’s meant to be.

So, why should there be walls to keep us apart when it feels so right?

Let’s build a bridge to each other’s heart. Let’s take a chance.

Let’s tear these walls down and build a bridge to each other’s heart.

Let’s tear these walls down and build a bridge…

…and let’s cross over.

~ D ~

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- Songs

The Fog

Posted on November 1, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Waking from this familiar sleep is not something I want to do. There is such comfort in the stillness that it brings. Nevertheless, I begin to stir. I can feel the cold dampness in the air around me. I remember hearing the darkness call my name. I remember the long ride in the river thru the chasm. I remember being laid to rest in the cave. I remember it all. But did it really happen…to me? Had I been dreaming? The details are very clear, but very hazy at the same time. I feel so strange. With great hesitation, I finally open my eyes and look around. I see nothing but haze. I close my eyes again really tight and shake my head in an attempt to bring everything into focus. When I open my eyes and look around again, I realize that I am surrounded by a heavy fog. Thru the cloudy thickness I see what appears to be a dim light shining just outside the entrance to the cave. I want to move toward the light. But is it safe? I wonder what might be waiting for me on the outside? The longer I sit in the foggy haze, the more I feel like a prisoner. I want to escape. I need to escape. I again think of the raging river that brought me here. Is it still out there? Will it try to keep me here? If I escape, will it bring me back?

I must at least make an effort to leave this place. I slowly and painfully raise myself to a sitting position. I am so tempted to lie back down but I know that I can’t. I swing my legs around until they are hanging off the edge of the rock on which I was just sleeping. I stretch my right foot downward searching for the floor of the cave and feel nothing but damp air. I move closer to the edge and stretch both feet downward; still nothing but air. Surely, it can’t be that far to the ground. I decide to turn around and grab hold of the ledge. Facing the rock, I carefully extend my body downward, hoping to find solid ground. Instead, my feet become buried in a thick mire. I realize that the floor of the cave is covered in a layer of mud left behind by the river. I am suddenly reminded of struggling thru the mud in the chasm during the storm. I know I don’t have the strength to go thru that again. Hanging there, I become acutely aware of the pain that permeates my body. My fingers begin to slip until finally I lose my grip and fall into the muck. From this vantage point I can see a little more clearly. The fog has settled just a few feet above the ground. I realize that if I crawl, it will be easier to find my way out. Struggling to lift each hand and struggling to lift each knee, I begin to slowly make my way toward the dim light.

Finally, after hours of inching thru the mud, I reach the entrance. I can see now that the raging river has totally disappeared. Where did it go? Just how long did I sleep? In one way it seems like I was just brought here to this place and in another way I feel as tho I have been here forever. I look out at the chasm floor before me and see that the ground appears to be in the process of drying out. I pull myself up onto a nearby rock and notice that the fog has lifted a bit. While sitting there, I begin to realize that I am free to leave this place. There is no river to keep me here. There is no darkness calling my name, at least not at the moment. I stand up. The ground beneath my feet feels somewhat soft, but it is much more solid than it had been during the storm. I take a couple of steps and then I stop. I look up. To my left, I can see the dim light as it strains to shine thru the fog that remains. I continue to stand there for a moment attempting to absorb any amount of warmth that the light might provide. The thought crosses my mind that, tho I am out of the cave, I am still in the chasm. A shiver runs thru my body. I can’t think about that now. At least the storm is over. I have no idea what lies ahead, but I know I must move forward. I take a deep breath, I turn toward to light and I begin to walk.

~ The Journey ~ As Seen Thru My Own Eyes

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The Caterpillar, The Butterfly, The Eagle and The Dove